I’ve been wanting to write this post for a very long time.
I’m struggling to understand how to approach it.
My head is swimming with so much I want to say and so much I don’t want said.
Some memories I think are important to share, while other memories I hope will fade away in time, but cannot if written in the ink of the internet.
I want to share my journey through being married to an addict, my own codependency that developed and my recovery from that.
It will take more than one post so I hope you don’t mind if this subject takes a few spots over the next few weeks. (between the usual fun stuff, of course)
I think the best way to begin is with this letter I wrote nearly 3 years ago.
When I met you I honestly loved you the minute I saw you.
I thought you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
I knew you had had rain clouds but i was convinced I had enough sunshine for both of us
You just needed to be loved. enough…by the right girl… Me.
So I loved you.
Boy, did I love you.
With all my heart.
Every ounce of it.
And when love didn’t seem to be enough, I begged you.
I really begged you. I cried and pleaded.
I reasoned with you and encouraged you. Berated you and supported you.
I played the warden, the mother, the victim, the friend, the cheerleader, the therapist, the lover, the detective, the savior and when all of that failed
I gave you space. I gave you time. I gave you chances. I gave you excuses.
I gave you everything I had.
When I ran out of things to give…
I begged. and pleaded and cried.
tried it all over again in different ways.
And everyday you broke my heart.
sometimes a little
sometimes a lot
sometimes it hurt so bad I had to curl up in ball and just try to sob hard enough that I couldn’t feel my chest.
but sometimes you made me smile so big I could hardly contain it
so I tried finding a cure.
I read books. asked professionals. went to meetings.
I covered for you, made up for you, vouched for you.
I figured out deadlines, made boundaries and threatened you.
I screamed at you and tried convincing you with harsh words.
I smiled at you and tried convincing you with kind words
I stood by you and tried convincing you with loyalty.
I left you and tried convincing you with loneliness.
You gave me promises of when you would change and how you would change.
school. the baby. god. meetings. time.
I still didn’t give up
although, my heart did
every ounce of it.
and I couldn’t feel much anymore.
which was a relief.
but you were still beautiful and still your eyes were innocent and childlike
and even though you could so effortlessly hurt me so
I couldn’t bare to cause you an ounce of pain
so I stayed
one more time
I haven’t done enough
I haven’t done it right.
There is hope.
So I tried it all again.
Tried with more grace and more patience.
More education and less judgement.
I believed in miracles. I believed in love. I believed in you.
that you could change
maybe you can you just won’t
saddest of all
you really can’t but would if you could
but the fact remains
and I might have kept trying forever.
but someone small came along
who is just as beautiful
someone who needs me more than you ever did or ever will
and I love his little perfect innocent face
with every ounce of my heart.
I can’t give him everything I have if you are already taking it.
I can’t be his mother if I am yours
and most of all
I can’t stay and watch you break his heart the way you have mine.
but I will always know
that I really tried everything
and I really loved you as much I possibly could.
I really, truly, honestly did.